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Russell Burrows
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Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:22 pm

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then said: "You have to shove the all of the fruit that you brought back up your butt without any expression on your face and without making any noise or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? you almost got away with it!" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."

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Russell Burrows
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Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:26 pm

A redneck guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a farkin' checking account".

The teller, surprised with his behavior, replies, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a farkin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!", said the teller.

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There ain't no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a farkin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time??"

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Russell Burrows
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Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:52 pm

George W Bush and Condolisa Rice are having a meeting...

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China .

George: Great. Tell me all about it.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China .

George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China ?
Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China .
Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China !
Condi: Hu is leading China .

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China .

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China ?
Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China ?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China ? I thought he was dead in theMiddle East .
Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China ?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China ?
Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China .
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?

George: No, Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George: Will you stay out of China ?!
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East ! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars.

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Russell Burrows
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Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:54 pm

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an
employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles
are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible
to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said,
'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles
are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money
involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'

'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a
long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the
president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
president if she could touch them.

'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you
should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president
noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock
in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of
Canada!'

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Russell Burrows
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Posts: 723
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:50 pm
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Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:56 pm

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, hit a trashcan, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

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Russell Burrows
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Posts: 723
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:50 pm
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Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:58 pm

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city. They decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie, with their ten-year-old son around, was to get him to report on neighborhood activities from the balcony. They thought that spying would happily distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. Then, "An ambulance just drove by."

A few more moments passed and he called, "Looks like the Andersons have company." And then, "Matt's riding a new bike¦ and the Coopers are screwing."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.


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