The jokes to read until the ads come out thread.

Anything non-Black Friday/non-deal related

Moderators: lwmjr, teknoge3k, ikey2, hiker

User avatar
Russell Burrows
Black Friday Pro
Posts: 723
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:50 pm
Location: CD. Victoria, TAM, MX.
Contact:

The jokes to read until the ads come out thread.

Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 3:53 pm

Few ads to read right now so I decided to start a jokes thread in the off topic area to have something to read until the BF ads are out.


COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to
write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'...

User avatar
Russell Burrows
Black Friday Pro
Posts: 723
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:50 pm
Location: CD. Victoria, TAM, MX.
Contact:

Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:00 pm

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

User avatar
Russell Burrows
Black Friday Pro
Posts: 723
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:50 pm
Location: CD. Victoria, TAM, MX.
Contact:

Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:31 pm

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece
of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

User avatar
Russell Burrows
Black Friday Pro
Posts: 723
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:50 pm
Location: CD. Victoria, TAM, MX.
Contact:

Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:41 pm

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

User avatar
Russell Burrows
Black Friday Pro
Posts: 723
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:50 pm
Location: CD. Victoria, TAM, MX.
Contact:

Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:47 pm

Bin Laden's Afterlife Surprise
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

User avatar
Russell Burrows
Black Friday Pro
Posts: 723
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:50 pm
Location: CD. Victoria, TAM, MX.
Contact:

Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:49 pm

A man goes to his local golf club and he was stopped by a worker. "We have a priest who is interested in learning the game. Would you play a round with him?" The man says sure and he and the priest get to the first tee.

The man swings and misses the ball and yells, "Goddammit! fark it! I missed!"
The priest is shocked and says, "My son, you shouldn't say that. Im a man of the cloth, people might start to wonder!"
"I'm sorry father. I take my golf game very seriously. It won't happen again though."

At the second tee, the man swings and misses again.
"Goddammit! fark it! I missed!"
Again the priest says, "My son, you shouldn't say that. I'm a man of the cloth, people might start to wonder! And God may strike us down!"
"I'm sorry father. I take but I take my golf game very seriously. I promise, it won't happen again."

At the third tee, the swings and misses again!
"Goddammit! fark it! I missed!"

Suddenly thunder rumbles from the sky above and a lightening bolt strikes the priest dead. Then you hear from above, "Goddammit, fark it! I missed!"

User avatar
Russell Burrows
Black Friday Pro
Posts: 723
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:50 pm
Location: CD. Victoria, TAM, MX.
Contact:

Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:51 pm

On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. Purchase a Johnson & Johnson rectal thermometer, make sure you buy this particular brand. When you get home, lock your doors & close the curtains, disconnect the phone so you won't be disturbed. Change into comfy clothes, pour a refreshing adult beverage and settle into your most comfortable chair. Open the package, remove the thermometer, and carefully set it down so it doesn't get damaged or broken. Now for the fun part! Take the literature from the package and read it carefully. You will notice a statement in the fine print:

"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud 5 times: "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."

Have a nice day and remember: There is always someone out there with a job that is more of a pain in the behind than yours!

User avatar
Russell Burrows
Black Friday Pro
Posts: 723
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:50 pm
Location: CD. Victoria, TAM, MX.
Contact:

Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:54 pm

This is a (supposedly) "true" story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless, to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Alleged actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

User avatar
Russell Burrows
Black Friday Pro
Posts: 723
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:50 pm
Location: CD. Victoria, TAM, MX.
Contact:

Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:53 pm

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a no rmal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

User avatar
Russell Burrows
Black Friday Pro
Posts: 723
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:50 pm
Location: CD. Victoria, TAM, MX.
Contact:

Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:55 pm

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach The bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."


The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

User avatar
Russell Burrows
Black Friday Pro
Posts: 723
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:50 pm
Location: CD. Victoria, TAM, MX.
Contact:

Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:56 pm

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

User avatar
Russell Burrows
Black Friday Pro
Posts: 723
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:50 pm
Location: CD. Victoria, TAM, MX.
Contact:

Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:58 pm

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

User avatar
Russell Burrows
Black Friday Pro
Posts: 723
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:50 pm
Location: CD. Victoria, TAM, MX.
Contact:

Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:02 pm

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

User avatar
Russell Burrows
Black Friday Pro
Posts: 723
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:50 pm
Location: CD. Victoria, TAM, MX.
Contact:

Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:15 pm

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris .. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f*** ing
number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down
Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills
or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling
would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller
ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back
and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale sign in
his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole,
too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I
had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called Asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an asshole!'

(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah.'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax, a yellow
rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.

And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole No. 2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole.'

He yelled,'If I ever find out who you are.'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass.'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.

I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax, and that my gay lover was on his way over
to kill me.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
Blvd. In Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in
time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front
of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news
crew.

NOW I feel much better.

User avatar
Russell Burrows
Black Friday Pro
Posts: 723
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:50 pm
Location: CD. Victoria, TAM, MX.
Contact:

Postby Russell Burrows » Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:20 pm

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."


Return to “Off Topic”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests